Parallels

Tonight I had to pinch my arm a few times. I had to stop and blink and catch my breath. Simply because tonight we reminded me so much of you and me. When we were good. When we were better than I ever imagined possible. When it felt that no matter what, as long as your heart was next to mine, everything would be alright. Tonight, in a parallel universe I felt us, gazing down at him and me as we made up silly songs on our guitars and fussed over Christmas decorations. As the light faded into dusk, I looked into his eyes and knew I had been completely right to make that leap.

Just as I was then.

This is for you. For all those years of pain and hardship. For all those fears that broke us. I am finally glad I knew you.

Neil Diamond – Solitary Man

Bravery

His eyes wonder at me. His hands ask me all kinds of questions and his smile is gentle and shy and sweet as he waits for my reply. And, all of sudden I don´t know. All of a sudden I (who very rarely loose my words) can´t speak. My footing is gone (lost somewhere up north), my steps are faltering (their sureness seem to have remained with you), my voice is lost (I dropped it on the floor in that airplane and I´ve had trouble finding it ever since). I´ve been brave, very brave and I´ll take that with me, but I miss. And, however brave I am, you were the ones that made me that way. So, I wonder: (as always)

Is this still my adventure?

The Devil Makes Three – Black Irish

Orbit

Tell me: is life really all it´s cracked up to be? Tell me: is it supposed to be like this, just like this, with these forever endless seconds that never seem to pass? Tell me: have you found your footing yet? Have you seen a shooting star -- was it anything like me? Are we still in orbit or is it to end like this -- with big black holes of no communication. Tell me: where do all the words go, where do all the thoughts go, where do we go? And my words: (as always) are sent out into the void.

Little Marbles – Du är på repeat

Anymore

I can´t really be bothered. To say what you want, to say anything at all. I can´t really be bothered. To think about and ponder questions that have no answers, that need no replies. I don´t care about it all. I don´t want it anymore. So I give them to you. All my nothings and all my maybes. Then I´ll follow your lead into orbit. Into the void that makes up you life. I´ll decorate your kitchen only to leave. I´ll laugh with you only to move on. I´ll give you my heart only to feel something, anything. Except this emptiness.

Deal?

Rodriguez – Cause

Ett icke vi

Du. Som aldrig kommer att få veta att jag spenderade en hel vinter på en madrass på golvet i vardagsrummet. (Bara för att jag inte kunde sova bredvid honom när du var i mitt huvud.) Jag gnistrade och glödde in i märgen (när du log) och ibland tog jag fram en bok jag visste att du läst (bara för att få läsa samma ord som du gjort). Jag log mig igenom veckor av möten. (För att dina händer var de vackraste jag någonsin sett.) Och allt kändes plötsligt som orörd, obruten mark i en så länge pågående stiltje som bara väntat på sin storm. Du kommer aldrig att förstå att någonting började där, med dig, ute i kylan, i snön -- för många, många månader sedan. Istället var det han som kom. (Han var inte helt olik dig.) Och jag föll, bara för att tiden var här. Du var sedan länge försvunnen. In i samma dimma som jag vandrade ut ur den där ljumma sommarnatten när livet självmant vände blad och det helt enkelt inte fanns mycket att göra åt saken. Jag ser dig ibland ute i natten och det hugger alltid till lite i mig. Inte av sorg eller saknad -- vi var aldrig varandras. Men minnet svider: av långa, trånga korridorer fulla av tråkiga dokument, av tröstlösa papper och datorskärmar och myndighetsbeslut så in i döden trötta, av Marlboro lights och gemensamma nämnare och allt vi skrivit och ännu inte skrivit. Vi möttes därute, oförhappandes och mellan ramarna -- bortom allt det vi trodde att vi så gärna ville vara. Och under en enda liten, andlös sekund såg vi varandra precis som vi verkligen var.

 Bear Colony – hospital rooms aren't for lovers

Wish

Your words are like tattoos. 

Om...

Det drar ihop sig. Och jag vet ingenting. Jag säger förväl, adjö, på återseende och jag är så tom under tiden. Jag vet inte om jag vågar? Han är inte samma, milen är inte lika många, men rädslan är precis lika stor. Jag ser ner mot vattnet. (Som är vitt nu.) Jag vandrar samma vägar. (Som är klädda i kyla och pudrig, vit snö nu.)  Livet är ett oskrivet blad igen, livet är ett frågetecken igen.

Jag undrar hela tiden om jag är på väg någonstans.

 Ulf Lundell – Blodröd Zon

Ambivalence

Am I right? Amongst dunes of snow and ice and cold. Am I fair? Amongst confusion and tears and heartbreak. Will I harm you? Amongst covers and cups and everyday life. Am I doing this for the right reasons or am I wrong, to keep trying, to keep moving. I miss still: every single day. I see still: that face, whenever I step outside my door. I hear still: that voice, inside my head. He´s here still. Does that mean anything? Everything? I´m tired. Of giving and not reaching the desired outcome. I´m sick of me, I´m sick of this, I´m sick of goodbyes and hellos and all the I don´t knows. I´m grown now -- will I ever feel it? I´m still me -- will I ever know her? Is it really, really time to fly again? 

I would have flown for him.


Taylor Swift – Drops Of Jupiter - Live 2011

Behind

I´m deconstructing my life. Tiny little tidbits piled on tiny little tidbits until, in the end, all will have to fit into one single lime green suitcase. It´s a curious thing: seeing your life confined to little squares of commodity that can be packed away with ease or stored indefinitely somewhere where time and absence won’t harm it. Some things I have to close the book on. Some things won’t fit into squares and disagrees with being concealed in storage. All the while I feel nothing and I think even less. When I attempt to view the present tense from the outside I do sense I large sadness, but at the core, always, is he. And I know that I can make my home anywhere, as long as he is there with me, unpacking those boxes. 

Carly Comando – Everyday

Enough

The world is open, the world is wide -- yet I feel as if I´m walking on breaking glass, threading water endlessly, without getting anywhere but here. Where I don´t want to be. Minutes turn to hours, turn to days and weeks and months and what I do, is what I can -- I keep my head above water, I keep breathing -- in out, in out. I long for the days when there was life. When everything was colour and magic and enchantment and grandeur. When all sparkled and glittered and I was´nt sure where I was going, but I was moving so rapidly I passed you by as a blur, as an enigma, as a bolt of lightning or a shooting star. And now this: forever in limbo, forever standing still, forever needlessly trying, aiming, and forever not moving. I want it to stop now.

"Please stop now."

Martha Wainwright – Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole 

Breakable

Funny how things change. Funny this life. Funny that I´ve found my harbor, my rescue, my safety -- the man  who sees me, with all my cracks, and still chooses to love me. Funny that I love him so much and on so many different levels regardless of so many things. Funny that he is all I want and then some more. It´s a funny feeling when you know, deep inside, that you are in the presence of the man you´ll spend the rest of your life with. The one who can break you with one single glance, but who chooses not to, simply because it would break him too. Funny feeling when you walk down the street with your hand in his and you know, at the core, that you are walking next to the love of your life. Funny feeling, with lots of doors closing, lots of things being left in the past, but a new, bright and shiny one just about to open.

The one towards the rest of your life.

Alanis Morissette – In Praise Of The Vulnerable Man

Boxed in

S: You´re ticking all the boxes, Nina.
Jag: Really?
S: Yeah, even boxes I did´nt know I had.

Working man

As we drove under the Tuscan sun you began to fade. As we drove miles and miles across a dream I began to loose you. We said goodbye a long time ago, but you were still there, always there. And now, a fading image of a man who never stood down, whose future was bleak and who had my heart in another life. I wonder sometimes how you are. I wonder sometimes if you smile when you remember that summer. I wonder sometimes who I would have been if you had not come along. Because, the ones that affect your life in a profound way are few. The ones who inspire greatness in you are even fewer. The ones who change you, at the core, always come in single numbers. So, you're in here -- with your feisty fists, your intense gaze, your no bullshit mentality and your brooding manners. You're in here -- with your terrible dress sense, your magic feet and your fast mind. And, even though I don't think of you much these days. Even though I see no reason to dream of things that never came to be. Even though my life leaves me hopeful and giddy and happy, I'll still carry your words with me, always.

"Nina, let's endeavour to achieve the unachievable." 

And as I hear your voice in my head I smile, because I suddenly believe that I can. 

The Saw Doctors – Clare Island

Under the Tuscan sun

I would have liked to have a picture of every moment. A snapshot of every single second. Of you and me in the moonlight, swimming beneath the stars, in the Mediterranean. Of you and me, curled up in that small tent in Tuscany -- on a gypsy campsite, with the warm breeze blowing through our hair. Driving miles and miles across the beautiful, rugged Alps -- covering large distances, but feeling so close to it all, and so totally in sync. A five star hotel in Florence, with our very own terrace in the scorching, hot sun. Dinner on a rooftop overlooking the city: you, clean-shaven, boyish -- your eyes twinkling across the table. And that morning, in a lorry park on a freeway somewhere in Italy: chased by flies, ogled by lorry drivers, but laughing, always laughing at it all. Coffee in a little Italian village on a mountaintop: flowers spilling from every balcony as we touched ancient streets and bricks and stones and finally, one of the most beautiful little churches I have ever seen. You, there: petting a beautiful, moon-grey kitten -- even though it was 36 degrees in the sun and the air hurt to breathe. Your lanky frame, your black hair (that had started to turn golden in the sun), your skin, translucent and shimmering in the blistering light. And me: extatic, blissfull and giddy, but as always, with a core of darkness and doubt. Could this be? Can you really be? 

Him. 

Katy Perry – Wide Awake

History

It feels so long ago. When I listened to this song, wondering who you were, wondering what triggered your mind and your heart and you imagination. Finding you perfect on paper, thinking that it was in no way possible for you to measure up to my thoughts. And now. We´ll soon be driving really far, miles and miles, across county borders and through toll booths, towards the sun and the dream. Now, we´re booking accommodation with a roof terrace overlooking Florence and we´re giggling as we press the keys. And I feel comfortable when you say: "Nina, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." It does´nt scare me, instead it leaves me a little breathless and flabbergasted and happy. Suddenly I feel ok about all the hardships of life, as long as I know that you are there with me. And, I know now, for sure, that I was right all those months ago. To meet a stranger outside a hotel, to spend a weekend with a him, not really having a clue as to who he would be. I was right to take that leap, not knowing then, that it might be one of the most important things I´d ever do.

Gotye – Somebody That I Used To Know

Éire

The dream may yet be mine. The dream is still vivid, still bright. But, it has blue eyes instead of green, hands that are less broken and a mind not destroyed by circumstance. Dreams: of a rugged, emerald coast -- it still lingers. Of craggy bog lands -- they still draw me in. Majestic hills pull me northwest, always northwest -- towards the Atlantic ocean. Towards towns with twenty inhabitants and a pub. Towards winding roads across desolate moors. Towards singing syllables and intonations and voices. It´s still here. The dream. It´ll always be right here. And so will I.

The Saw Doctors – Green and Red of Mayo

Yes

I´m sorry for having been slightly erratic and moody in the past. You came too soon -- I was busy getting over someone. I´m sorry for not being able to give one hundred percent until now. He left me a little scared and breathless and broken. I´m sorry that it took me so long to let go. It´s just the kind of person I am I guess. And, I´m sorry for not being all there, all in, until now. There was no room for you -- I had to settle things in my head first, I had to know that this was the time for that leap, that you were worth the risk. Because in some ways we´re hard. So much harder than what he and I was -- simply because we are real, simply because we´re equal, because (unlike he and I) we have a future. It´s bright and sparkly. It´s exciting and colorful. It´s also filled with farewells and distance and longing. With tears and travels and homecomings. The world is smaller these days, but not small enough to not consider the circumstances and the facts. I´m here now. So, let´s drive your Jaguar really fast across France. Let´s drink Italian wine and wander the Coliseum. We´ll smoke our last cigarettes under the Tuscan sun and remember the moment forever. I´ll wear my purple dress and granny’s necklace. I´ll chase you with shrimp and tease you about the queen. You’ll give me a kiss on the Spanish steps in Rome and I´ll hold your hand through Venice. Then we´ll drive a million miles and end up having tea with milk on your patio in the heart of England. Let´s not worry about the future. Let´s assume it´s as bright and brilliant as we are. Let´s assume this is as real as it feels. Let´s take our fears and doubts and insecurities, let´s look at them, let’s smile at them, let´s toss them into the air...

and simply just let go.

 Urban Cone – We Should Go To France

Under ytan

I feel strangely listless. I feel sort of as if I am made of glas and I will break at any moment. But most of all I feel drained and tired, like my lustre has vanished -- like plain yoghurt or vanilla ice cream. No colour, no particular taste, just sort of existing without any purpose. All I want to do is lay in your arms. All I want to do is hear you tell me everything will be alright. I want to read books next to you, without having to say much. I want to cook something, anything, without to many words being used. I can´t handle words. Not right now -- they always come in plenty. Right now I feel detached from the world as I know it, and from this moment on things may be forever different, forever changed. What will come, will come.

I don´t know if I´ll ever be ready.

Silent grace

I picked strawberries today. I picked wild raspberries today. And blackcurrant that was just ripe, just so. I got to hang with Piaf and Oscar and Sylvester. I got to pet fur as soft as cotton, as shiny as velvet and I was stared down by three pairs of yellow-shaded eyes. I was on the floor for parts of the day. I was surrounded by tails for parts of the day. All was sleekness and smoothness and elegance. All was gentle paws over wooden floors, a chase for shrimp and silent movements across large distances. And all was grace. Forever grace.

Beethoven – Symphony No 6 In F Op. 68 Pastoral Part 5

Smooth sailing

This life drives my crazy. These circumstances drive me crazy. This summer drives me crazy. I drive myself crazy. These notes, this rythm drives me crazy. That fiddle, that voice, those three, golden Pennsylvania boys: (I used to love a Pennsylvania boy), makes me spin and twist and never seize to move. Transfixed, exilirated and lost, but yet, so very found. These notes. Hyponotized.

The Cave Singers – Gifts and the Raft

Forever it seems.

Simple, yet hard

You cried yesterday. Yet you shone. You were sad yesterday. Yet you were prefect. You had fears yesterday. Yet you sparkled. Your hands trembled slightly: worn out, worked out, and your mind was heavy. You sensed darkness. You sensed danger. You sensed complications. Yet you were the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on. You said that things pass, that everything changes and that some things are based in faith. You said that things would be different tomorrow, that the sun would shine once more and that I made you so very happy. Then you smiled through your tears, you cracked a joke and I recognized you again. You made your tea: strong, bittersweet (like me) and I felt whole, I felt safe and exhilarated. I felt happy and scared, somber yet vigorous. And I shone. Just like you. Through space and time and miles and hardship. Because of you, because of me. Because of the fact that I have one heart. And I´m so proud, so grateful, to give it to you.

Peter Gabriel – The Book of Love

Lördagsaktiviteter

Irländsk paddman: Hi, how´s things?
Jag: Fine thanks.
Irländsk paddman: I´m in construction.
Jag: I thought as much.
Irländsk paddman: Why?
Jag: I´ve been here before.
Irländsk paddman: Did you like it?
Jag: No.
Irländsk paddman: Rite...
Jag: So anyway, how do you like Sweden then?
Irländs paddman: (twinkling) Well, it´s grand, especially now that I´ve met you.
Jag: Ok paddy, been there done that, did´nt really like the ride, so why don´t you just go fuck off?
Irländsk paddman: Riteo darlin', but that one must have been quite the story.
Jag: It was.

Dropkick Murphys – The State Of Massachusetts

Hearts

"I´ve waited a long time for you..."

Just so

You´re getting a 90's cut. (Just because you´re a 90's man.)
You´re wearing checkered shirts. (And manage to pull it off.)
You´re tall, dark and your eyes gleam like stars when you look at me.
You drive a Jaguar and have your shit together.
You need no care-taking.
You stand on your own.
You like airplanes and motorcycles and that purple dress of mine.
You do a mean Irish interpretation.
You make me laugh at the drop of a hat.
You hold my hand through all of it.
You have no harness.
No shield.
Only your heart.
And then you have me. 
Yet, I wonder -- where are we going?
Because with you there is an actual tomorrow.
A day after.
And a future.

You

I feel sappy this morning.
I miss you this morning.
I don´t know why you love me so much.
I don´t know if I´m worth it.
I know who I want to be is.

I love you.

The Courteeners – Take Over The World

It´s official (again)

You won. (But you´ll never know it.)
I got in way over my head.
I fell head over heels.
You don´t deserve it.
Who you want to be does.
You helped me change my life.
You showed me a way out.
You took me for a spin.
I crashed.
You broke my heart.
I´ll never be the same again.

Sorry? No, I´ll never be sorry. (Little devil.)

Breabach – Baby Broon's

It´s official

Jag är lite av en galning.
Jag är på upploppet nu.
Jag kommer att behöva flytta norrut.
Jag har tillåtit mig att behandlas ungefär lika väl som en disktrasa. (Av en man som sannerligen inte förtjänade det.)
Jag är kär i en man med blå ögon. (Inte gröna.)
Jag vet inte var jag kommer att befinna mig om ett år.
Jag tar för snabba beslut.
Jag borde (in the words of Sebastian) försöka chilla.
Jag har valt rätt, helt rätt väg.
Jag ska vid något tillfälle söka professionell hjälp. (In the words of Sebastian.)
Jag har alldeles för mycket prylar.
Jag måste börja äta mer frukt. (Fast jag egentligen avskyr frukt.)
Jag tänker sluta vara så förbannat, jävla sentimental.

Jepp, så är det. Så, hallå världen! Och välkommen.

Same, same, but different still

Anneli: Du, din blogg är ganska förvirrande för tillfället...
Jag: Ja?
Anneli: Ja, du verkar svänga en del och jag blir ju lite undrande...
Jag: Det framstår som om jag inte riktigt kan bestämma mig va?!
Anneli: Ja.
Jag: Du blir förvirrad?
Anneli: Ja.
Jag: Welcome to the world as I know it.

I won´t fuck this up, I won´t fuck this up. I won´t fuck this up...osv...

Now

The air reminds me of you. The summer smells that fill it remind me of you. The noises outside my window remind me of you. And the light. The beautiful, frail summer light -- is yours. Just because you never gave too much. But always. Enough.

This one is mine. But also yours. Did I ever say thank you?

Joss Stone – Newborn

Mine

Before I met you. He was my D´artangnan. He descended from half a world away and we read the Tempest and Hamlet and A midsummer night’s dream. Then the days passed and we fell apart, we fell away and broke each other to the core. (I´ve forgiven you now, just because I can.) Before I met you. He was a pathfinder with curly, blonde hair and tattoos in the shape of leaves. His best friend was golden and sparkly and had the longest, fluffiest tail I had ever seen. We walked the streets hand in hand, forever walking, forever in love. His truths are still with me. (I pick them up and look at them sometimes -- they are still true.) Before I met you. He had a steely blue gaze. He was tall and light and had strong hands. He stood by me as my life fell apart, he held my up when I had no strength and he had visions of something better, something bigger than this world. Before I met you. His eyes were green, his mind troubled. He liked Guinness and talked really fast. He wore shirts the colour of fire trucks and he danced when he was happy. Before I met you my heart was broken. These are my ghosts. Let´s make sure you´ll never be one of them.

Laura Marling – Ghosts

Lights

Min sommarnatt doftar körsbärsöl. Min sommarnatt doftar Marlboro lights och vin från en blommig bag in a box. Den doftar gitarrspel och parkhäng och rosfontäner; löften och små hopp och vackra färgglada klänningar. Den är England i gryningen, vackra ögon som ser på mig som om jag var gjord av guld och bilfärder i en silvrig Jaguar. Min sommarnatt spelar ljusa toner. Den väcker mig med fågelkvitter och skirt morgonljus och tutande bilar. Stan är full av liv och allting runt om mig står i sjudande blom. Havet slår in mot en långgrund strand och sanden är varm och vit som pärlemor. Jag förtrollas av dofter, av leende, solvarma ansikten som passerar, av iskall, skär glass och fötter i sommarslitna, lyckliga ballerinaskor. Och jag tänker att här, just här, vill jag stanna kvar en stund.

The Cave Singers – Hen Of The Woods

It´s official

Jag: Vadå?
Fru Rosa: Jamen de är ju lite lika.
Jag: Irish och Pilotboy?
Fru Rosa: Ja
Jag: Men Pilotboy är ju snygg ju!
Fru Rosa: Ja, det är han.
Jag: Och Irish?
Fru Rosa; Ja, han var ju ful som stryk, men de är ändå lite lika.
Jag: Hur kan ful som stryk och snygg vara lika?
Fru Rosa: Men det är mer typen än någonting annat. De är båda gossmän. Det är lite din typ tror jag.
Jag: Precis det brukar Emma säga.
Fru Rosa: Ja?
Jag: Ja, och sedan brukar hon flina och säga att det är därför vi aldrig kivats om en man.
Fru Rosa: Men det är ju bra.
Jag: Fast jag vet inte om jag vill ha gossmän som typ...
Fru Rosa: Jag tror inte du har något val hjärtat.

 Mazarine Street – Watch Me

Rose petals

I´m wearing flowers on my sleeve. I´m getting over myself. I´m getting on with it. I´m stepping forward through the rain. Through my streets and my songs. I´m getting somewhere finally, it seems. I´m letting bygones be bygones and I leave things be. My step is sure these days. My step is fast again. My CV has been translated into another language. In my dreams I speak another tongue. I think in bilingual and I´m finding my way back to what it was like to view the world as my oyster. My thoughts are bigger these days, less constricted. I´m expanding, and the process is steadfast and without hesitation. The colour is back and life has begun to glitter and glimmer again. The nights are short and the days linger into a bright, sparkling dusk that only seems to last a few minutes. I no longer ponder questions that have no answers, it´s a pointless ordeal that leads me nowhere. There is a big world out there. There is a vivid, bright and ample life out there. Let´s go explore it!

The Cave Singers – Seeds Of Night

Swingy mood

Jag borde författa en visionsplan för verksamheten, men jag har tappat bort mina visioner och upptäckt att illusioner -- dem kommer man inte långt med. Existentiellt behöver jag ett krispaket. Jag fick reda på i förra veckan att mitt öga är 90 år gammalt. Vilket är helt ok, jag har ju ett till. Men det är klart jag är irriterad över utgången. Annars pratar jag sällan om det som gör ont. Bara om det som gör mig arg. (Det mesta.) Och nej, det är inte samma sak. Iallafall inte alltid.

Simplicity

M: You got a new job?
Jag: Yeah.
M: What happened to the old one?
Jag: Well, I did´nt like it. They were...
M: They were wankers.
Jag: Yes.
M: Fucking wankers!

Daybreak

Sometimes you get that break you are looking for. Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone and take that leap. Sometimes you have to change location, city, county. Sometimes there is no way around it. It´s scary. It´s breathtaking. It´s a little bit mad at times. But, that´s life for you. Forever unpredictable and way to short to not keep walking into the unknown. Because, the only thing you can really count on is change. That´s the only constant. The only truth that we may know. The one safety.

And those notes, that band. Again: The Cave Singers – Townships

Golden

Last summer changed everything. Last summer sent me flying straight into orbit, straight to the moon. Last summer changed my life and will forever be remembered as the summer when everything was possible. When everything could happen. (And did.) Last summer showed me what I could be, if I only decided to take that leap. Last summer I endeavoured to achieve the unachievable, I reached for the stars and one by one they fell into my lapp. I never looked back. I just kept on smiling.

It´s here now. The summer light. I wonder what it´ll bring. This time around. But, the song is the same. Always the same.

The Cave Singers – Summer Light

I´m sorry

I may have screwed things up. I may have ruined everything. I may have been to candid, to blunt for us to move forward. It may have occured to you that the cost is to high and that it´s not really worth the risk. So, today might be a bleak day. Today may change everything. Today might leave me a bit speechless. But still, life will continue to spin. I will travel on. My feet will still be placed firmly on the ground and I´m still really thankful for everything you gave me. So, for some reason I feel pretty much like this today -- The Mudbugs Cajun & Zydeco Band – Jeunes Filles de la Campagne.

Despite everything.

New chapter

I used to run to get away from my life. Then I ran to catch up with my life. These days I seem to run simply because I like it.

Rachid Taha – Bonjour

Vision

I do love you. But I think it´s more about who I know you could be, but don´t have the strenght to be. Atleast not right now. I love how you always, always stand up for yourself. I love how simple things are for you. Because everything is black or white -- there are no shades. When I tell you someone is bothering me and you say: "Nina, just give me that wankers number. I´ll take care of it." I love how everything is bollox and salt of the earth and pints and faith. I love the intensity of your gaze and your perfect, perfect face. And your hands. (I could write a song about them.) Broken -- from fighting, broken -- from working. Still, soft as cotton, gentle as a breeze. I know you hate them, but to me they are the most beautiful hands I have ever seen. I love your mind and I love how you get me with one single glance. I love your flare for drama, I love that you never bore me and I love how you make me laugh so easily. I love how compatible we are and how I never have to ask what you are thinking -- I just read you like an open book. I love that there are always atleast two meanings to everything you say and I love that you are such a deadly romantic. I love that you always surprise me and how you leave me with plenty of space to breathe. I love your simplicity and your complexeties. So yeah, I do love you. But I think it´s more about who you aspire to be. Who you are capable of being if all the tragic circumstances could simply be erazed. In a heartbeat. I love you. But, I´m wise enough to know that sometimes the heart is not enough. And so are you. I think we both found out the hard way.

I wrote this long ago. Quite fitting that I should stumble across it exactly one year later. And you know what? I do love him. And yeah, he is so very right for me. But, that does´nt mean I don´t sometimes miss you.

Timo Räisänen – About You Now

Education

I should know better. Than to think I can run from my demons. I should know better. Than to think things will shift in me just because I change location. I should know better. In so many ways that I can´t even count them. But I don´t, and I guess that´s just something I have to live with.

Benjamin Francis Leftwich – Shine

Simplicity

"My heart has chosen that it wants to be with you..."

The Naked And Famous – Punching In A Dream

Dreaming again

It´s silly. Just a romantic dream I think. But, I´m a sucker for romantic dreams. I´m a sucker for adversity, for distress and romantic misfortune. Drama? Can´t live without it. Fights? Can´t live without them. Crying? Like there is no tomorrow. So, bring on the frills honey. Bring on the nervousness, the breakdowns and the forever and evers. I´ve been ready my whole life.

U2 – I Will Follow

To miss

I see you. Through those gaps made up of miles and space and time. Your jet-black hair. Your pale skin. Your eyes. Green, brown, green, brown. Fast. In judgement as in joy. Red velvet. Checkered shirts. Vivid colours and fast feet. Magical, like a saga, charming the world with your grin. You. Far away, but here. Still.

Dropkick Murphys – Climbing a Chair to Bed

Tid

I miss, the "no fear" of you. I think, mostly because I miss the "no fear" of me. So, something has to give now, it seams. Something has to shift now, it must. I don´t know where my restlessness comes from. I don´t know if it will ever give way. I don´t know who I will be five years from now. I don´t know where life will take me in the end. What I do know. At the core. Is that it is time. For that change.

Noah And The Whale – Life Is Life

Ze fredag

Idag är det fredag. FREDAG! Av någon anledning smakar det ordet alltid lika bra. Särskilt i solen!

The Wombats – Techno Fan

Förändringar

Ok, so I´m back. Ok, so I´ve missed this. I´ve missed putting down words, sentences, meanings. But, time was too busy for a while. Time, was too filled for a while. And, I did´nt want to share this one. Because, he is not Irish. Because, he is not a dream. Because, he is clearly outlined. And well-defined. And so much more than a romantic notion. So, I will share some. Just because I have too. Just because I can´t not. Only some though. Only parts. Bits. The rest belong to us. 

Just listen! Razorlight – America

Grace

I can´t believe all that has happened. I can´t believe where I am. I can´t believe that I got me here. I can´t believe what is actually my reality. I think it´s time to get that tatoo. To signify perhaps the most important time in my life. A time that turned everything upside down. A time that saw me flying and soaring. Broken and fallen. But always and forever.

Me.

Detektivbyrån – Om Du Möter Varg

Roll on!

Äntligen, äntligen fredag! Snart ska jag få åka tåg och sedan flygplan och sedan bil. Till ett hus, i en stad som är så gammal att den har en stadsmur från Romartiden. Till teaterförställningar och country roads och engelskt te. Men, framför allt, till en man som väljer att se mig, hela mig. Bara för att han helt enkelt inte kan låta bli. Och så är han så vacker att klockorna stannar! Så, jag kommer att vara lite osynlig ett tag framöver. Bara så ni vet.

Laters!

Vapour trail

You tell me that my hair changes color, switches shades -- depending on how much light goes through it. You tell me that there is bits of black in there. Bits of blonde and brown in the cascade of red. "I don´t think I will ever get bored with you", I say. And then your green eyes start to glitter. You smile through my screen and across an ocean. And I suddenly know that I´ve never been more right about anything in my life.

Salt of the earth

I´ve been here before, you know. Two times I think. But there is a difference. I really respect who you are. I really respect your heart. I really respect your mind. We are equals. Falling in love with a man with and open heart is just as headless as it should be. I´m still down on my knees. My head is still in the clouds. I´m still scared out of my wits, but I still can´t help myself. The differenting factor here. Regarding you. Is that I know already that I could love you. And that you are so worthy.

PJ Harvey – Hanging On The Wire

Airport rendevouz

Good lord, I can´t wait! Good lord, why is Friday taking so long? Good lord, this is driving me crazy! Good lord, can things really get more intense than this?

Thank you!

I think this is going to be fast. I think this is going to be one of those instances when "you just know". I think I already sort of love you. And after tonight, I´m pretty sure I´m not wrong.

Taylor Swift – Mine

Pet name

It was always wrong. When you called me sweetheart. (With the cutest Irish intonation.) It always made my stomach turn. When you referred to me as babe. (Again, with the intonation.) I could never figure out why. Always thought it might have something to do with him. (Although he never called me something as cliché as sweetheart.) I think I was wrong. I think it always had everything to do with you and only you.

Perfection

S: We are going to be apart for a while, so I wanted to ask you if you have any doubts? Is there anything we need to clear up before I go?
Jag: No. I always trust my stomach in these situations. It´s telling me that everything is just as it should be. Everything is right.
S: Your stomach?
Jag: Yes.
S: But Nina, what about your heart?

Matters of the heart

Så sitter vi där. Och glor mest på varandra genom Skype. Jag säger: "Perhaps we should sign off now. It´s getting late". Och så sitter vi kvar ändå. Och ler mot varandra genom bildrutor, över mil och hav och tidsförskjutning, och det känns hela vägen ner i magen att detta stämmer. Att detta är rätt. Du säger: "Nina, I should let you get to now." Och ja, det borde du. Svarar jag. Sedan sitter vi kvar och tittar på varandra och sedan tittar vi ännu lite mer. Och vet inte riktigt vad vi ska säga, för det här är så konstigt, så annorlunda. Det enda vi vet. Det enda som är helt säkert. Är att det känns som om vi aldrig vill slutat titta. Och jag kan inte riktigt sluta le.

Kära läsare

Ni verkar gilla English mycket mer än Irish. Och ja, i retrospekt kan jag verkligen förstå varför...

John Martyn – Cocaine

For you

I´ve found you. Finally. You are here. You are mine. We are it. Let´s not ever stop. Falling.

In love

Was it the fact that you brought me Nina Ricci perfume, just because it was called Nina? Was it the fact that you took me to the finest restaurant in town and watched me with a smile as I stole an Easter ornament from the table? Or, that you excitedly attempted to steal a paddle boat with me on the way home? That cake we had for breakfast, at the best cake place in town, while nervously eyeing our spoons, just because we were both too shy to say what we really wanted. Or, the way you kept placing your hand at the small of my back, gently brushing my black leather jacket and my heart at the same time. The beach café; where I knocked over a chair, because you made me so nervous I had trouble doing anything else. Then you shared a box of Reese’s with me on a park bench by the canal, spilled your heart on me and called it your favorite moment of the entire day. We walked through my city for hours, my hand in yours -- the touch of five gentle fingers leaving me wider, yet wider awake. Is this why? No, I don´t think so. It’s because, for some reason our hearts are in sync. It´s because, for some reason we fit eachother. It´s because, to me, you are the most beautiful person I´ve ever laid eyes on.

  

Alanis Morissette – In Praise Of The Vulnerable Man

Crush

The sky was very blue. The sun very bright and your eyes very green. I walked next to you. Indefinitely it seemed. We spoke about truth and nature. About science and convention. About religion and life. But all I could think about was wanting to hold your hand. I fretted and twisted in my mind. I tried to coax myself into being bold and brave, but failed miserably. Then you said: Nina, may I hold your hand? The sun kept on beaming. The sky was just as blue and your eyes even greener. Our conversation did not lose its flow and the topics remained interesting and fetching. But all I could think about. All that really mattered, was that my hand was now in yours. 

Takeoff

Sometimes something is just right. Just so. And, there is really nothing more to say, but: this could actually, actually be it!

Nick Drake – Northern Sky

Time. Now

Jesus, this is freaky weird. This is out of the box completely. This is a once in a lifetime experience. I´ve done freaky before. I made a vow to love a man forever, after knowing him only three months, then I moved a world away with him and made a new life. I met a man on a bus a million days ago. He asked me where the bus was going and that was it. I was nolonger one and neither was he. Then, one summer. I found myself suddenly challenged by intense green eyes, even though I should´nt have been. I turned my life upside down and when everything came back down it was exactly as it should be. And now. This evening. You are here. (After flying across many countries just to see me.) So freaky romantic. So much like what I want love to be. Tonight I´ll finally know where we´ll land.

Devendra Banhart – Angelika

Kaboom!

I morgon smäller det. Herrejösses, jag är inte riktigt redo tror jag...

That place

I wonder. What it will be like. I wonder. Who you are. I wonder. Who I am, in your eyes. I wonder. If I´ll be able to look at you without blushing. If I can manage to not look like a deer, caught in the headlights. If I can actually see you, without fear and without thoughts of all that never came to be. I wonder. Who we will be...

In my mind. We´ll be something like this.

Jesper Norda – Lets Go To A Place Infected With Truth And Resist With All Our Hearts

Circle, closing

Ok, this is getting more than a little strange. How can it be? That one road leads to the next, only so that you can see another? How can it be? That one point has to be made, just so you can appoach a different one, because you really, really have to get there. Again: Your sister. But this time, an aunt. Again: Irish. But this time, I. Again: An influence. A lifeline of the past. Someone who shaped and formed and dented. Someone with a similar language. Someone with similar words. Someone with a similar mind. And I. Left to wonder and marvel. At the world. At this life. At love.

Patricio Samuelsson – Hundra mil

Beyond time

So, I opened my eyes this morning. And my first thought was: "Ah, he already got up. Weird, he never gets up first." Then I realized that it´s been many months since you were actually here. In my apartment. And it felt ok. It felt right. Then I picked up my phone. You were in it. Once again...

Angus & Julia Stone – Paper Aeroplane

Question

Vem är du? Du som får min fantasi att gå i spinn och som inte följer mallen. Vem är du? Du som reser genom och över länder -- bara för att träffa mig en enda kväll. Vem är du? Du som vill följa med mig och se Madame Butterfly -- trots, eller kanske därför att, du vet att jag kommer att gråta på din axel. Vem är du? Som bygger modellplan och äger två motorcyklar och en motorbåt som går extra, extra fort. Vem är du? Som vet namnen på alla stjärnkonstellationer på himlavalvet. Som känner närvaron av stjärnor och svarta hål och som kombinerar alla motsägelser i boken. Vem är du? Som gör att jag är så full av frågor att jag är stum. Jag kan inte ens kan få ner dem i skrift längre, för jag har tappat min penna på golvet och jag når inte ner. Och, vem är jag. Efter att jag mött dig.

En annan eller densamma?

Boris Valdes Villarroel – Love Trouba