Ruin me (if you dare)

"I miss you", she says as she takes a sip of her G&T.

Such a predictable drink, I have time to think to myself and then she reaches for my hand, but I flinch, causing her to do the same.

“Baby, those days are over, did you not see them pass?” My voice is soft, but relentless and I watch her shrink away further.

Her lipstick is red as usual, but there are deep shadows under her eyes these days and I wonder if it is hard for her to watch her own beauty slip away.

She used to be so vivid. She used to be so full of life and joie de vivre and I used to envy that she was the light, shining so bright in every room she entered. I would wake up to the squirrel wheel of everyday life, I would put on my hard hat and walk out the door and the image of her would keep me moving forward. The thought that this woman, in all her glory, had given me her heart so completely was intoxicating to me.

She is still a beauty. Capturing as many glances as ever, but her allure is fading in her own eyes and that makes all the difference.  

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” She takes a sip of her drink and I can tell she is doing it out of nervousness, just to have something to do.

I have her in the palm of my hand, I could crush her with a slight movement of one finger and it is an exhilarating feeling.

I look at her, really look at her for the first time tonight. “Do you remember that time when we climbed that gate together?”

A smile lights up her face. “Yes, I do.”

It is clear from her expression that the moment was just as paramount to her as it was to me. She is pensive, waiting for what is next to come. The smile still lingers in her eyes and I decide to crush it because it simpler.

“I think that was the moment when I realised I didn't love you.”

She trembles and her face falls for a second. Then she surprises me and I suddenly remember why I did love her (and also why I just lied about it).

“Fine, but let’s order one more bottle before we go.”

When you leave

I watch your back move away from me and I try to follow, but it is like I am trying to shake myself from one of those nightmares when you are always on the verge of waking up; the air is heavy to breathe and my feet won’t move forward as I watch you disappear into the hazy distance.

I don’t know if it is better to stay right here or to wake up and find myself alone.

Ta!

We are living in the age of a pandemic, but the air is still warm in July

Things are tough, but the sun is out today reminding me that I am human

The outline of the city is the same and the gin is smooth, as is this summer eve in the heart of east London.

I am thinking about you. Wondering how you are? (Just like me, patience never was your virtue.) And if your face is warmed by the sun tonight.

I was told to be quiet and kind, but I failed.

I was told to watch my words and to keep a straight face, but I failed.

I was told I was too much, too soon in all kinds of ways, but you never agreed.

It’s July and I stare at your words as I move through requests for financial resilience and collection fund accounting and I think to myself that I did something right even though I never succumbed to the expected.