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onsdag 30 januari 2013

Brilliance

When I look back in time all I see is colour. When I look back in time I see clearly defined lines leading up to a little girl, raised on a hill, in a blue house. She, who is a product of these lines and colours, these minds and hearts. Most of them are not here anymore. Most of them I never knew. But some are present, sharing their wisdom and greatness and need for the extraordinary. Allowing me to understand why I became what I became and perhaps also why I am going where I am going. It´s a delicate pattern of little lives that in their simplicity are filled with grandios thoughts and acts and choices. I stem from the history of these choices. I stem from the brilliance of dreams and wishes of those who came before me.

It´s a peaceful thought.

Concerto in D Minor for Oboe and Strings, Op 1:II. Adagio

måndag 28 januari 2013

Stålgrå

Du har nya vänner nu. Jag vet inte längre vilka de är och det finns en sorg i den tanken. Vi var aldrig riktigt meningen och jag tror du visste det också. Jag hoppas du förlåter mig en dag. Och att du förstår att när jag ser tillbaka så känner jag din hand i min. Vi leker tafatt mellan gångarna på ICA och du tycker nog att jag är lite galen när jag gömmer mig bland sylten. Sedan går vi hem och jag gör mig upptagen med surdegsbröd och lakritsglass för att glömma att jag är helt, helt tom. Vi vandrar gatorna upp och ner till havet, med vind i håret, och du är en sommarpojke med gyllene hud och de vackraste fötter jag någonsin sett. Och jag tänker inte: så här vill jag det ska vara i hundra år. Och jag tänker inte: jag är så lycklig. Men sedan, på sjukhusbädden där jag ska spendera natten efter att doktorn skurit sitt. Du lägger dig tätt intill på den smala, smala sängen och vi är där, mitt i allt det vita, precis som två barn som bara har varandra i hela världen. Och jag tänker: jag älskade dig verkligen. Men ibland är kärleken inte tillräcklig.

fredag 25 januari 2013

Nothing else

It´s when I´m with other people that I miss you the most. It´s when I´m with others that your shine the brightest. Because, what we share, the way we talk, the way you make me feel -- is relentless in its fury. The way you look at me, how you relate to me -- is beyond space and time and what is now. How you see me, that you see me -- is the one truth I know.

Boris Valdes Villarroel – Love Trouba

onsdag 23 januari 2013

Sunbeams

I never thought this song would be anyone´s but his. I thought it belonged to him and only him. To that beach, where the white sand seemed to swallow us whole. Where he took his shirt off, just like that, and kept on threading further into my heart -- still wearing his cowboy boots. Where he made me laugh until I cried and never let go of my hand. And I was reborn again, in that moment -- alive at the core, after years of stagnant, putrid air had been all I knew. I remember wanting time to stand still forever. I remember thinking: "In this moment, everything and nothing blurs together and becomes a whole, an essence of what life is." I thought these notes would be forever linked to a certain time and a certain pair of slanting, green, Irish eyes.

I was wrong. And I´ve never been more happy to be wrong.

 Addie Brownlee – Put Your Hands On Me




torsdag 17 januari 2013

The Swan

You glide: All grace and beauty against the calm waters. Your sparkling eyes watch the sandy banks, the flowers and the buzzing life around you. You appear tranquil, you appear at ease and all seems well with your world. But, underneath the glittering surface, underneath all that beauty, your feet are peddling frantically to reach the shoreline, to find a way out, to find a solution. Beneath the water you are violently crashing about to find your footing, a footing that was lost many years ago when he was taken from you and you were abandoned by the one that was supposed to be your strength. You were left, alone, always alone, at the mercy of those who did not wish you well. And today, you are still that boy. A boy who sat at the breakfast table only to be ignored. A boy who was doomed to silence, simply because he was a pawn in someone else´s dirty game. A boy who had no one and still no choice but to go on existing. A boy who was never seen.

I see you. And I want nothing more than to be your solution. I want nothing more than to help you heal. Do you have the strength to let me?

Pink Floyd For Piano – Wish You Were Here (Piano Version)

tisdag 15 januari 2013

Återvändsgränd

You sold me a dream. And I bought it without any questions. You sold me an image. And I believed you without any doubts. You were too fearful to be honest, too afraid to not be enough and in this moment, I´m the one being punished for it. I´m not without blame though. I chose you as a way out, as a path away from the pain, as a way to deal with the hole he left behind. There is love still, there always was. But I learned the hard way a long time ago, that love is not enough. So, I have one foot out the door. My gaze is directed away from you and my body is moving above and beyond the man you are. It´s a conscious choice, a must -- I don´t want the kind of life you´re offering. I don´t want quiet, I don´t want quaint, I don´t want passive and I happily disregard the kind of calm you desire. So go ahead honey, I´ve made my move:

Now it´s your turn.

Rage Against The Machine – Bullet In The Head

måndag 14 januari 2013

Clean sheets

You´re like a clean, white sheet of paper. Easily forgotten, easily crumpled up and thrown out with the garbage.You´re like plain yoghurt and vanilla ice cream. Easy on the tongue, but without a sting that leaves a remembrance. You´re perfect on paper. But already worn out and utterly spent -- with a core that is so filled with hiding places I get lost. I spin, I twist and turn, but all I see is nothingness and a bleak and grey ever after. There is no life -- only a perfect surface that barely covers up your emptiness. You´re cracking now. I´m forcing you to break now. When you look at me with those child´s eyes, begging me for mercy. And I´m so sorry, but I can´t stop. Not now. In all this wreckage. In all this life not lived. Amongst all these stats and lack of words and protective shells we hide behind:

Can you blame me for missing him?

Alanis Morissette – Limbo No More

söndag 13 januari 2013

Combat

Today, as we cleaned your house I thought of what I used to feel for an Irish lad with no future. Today, as we skirted around each other with mops and broomsticks and hovers I thought about how he shook my foundations with just one penetrating gaze: how he left me obsessed, crazy and in the end -- broken. Today, I felt far from it all, yet very close to what was then. I almost wished you would do something, anything that deflated me. I almost wished you were wrong and not so concerned about it. I wished for flaws and cracks and complexities that you don´t have. Because those are the men I seem to love the most. And, perhaps that is a flaw in me. Perhaps I need not look any further than myself for an answer as to what must lay ahead. Perhaps I don´t need what I want: one flute, one violin. In combat, always in combat.

Breabach – Baby Broon's

lördag 12 januari 2013

Aldrig

I dag hittade jag henne plötsligt igen. Efter alla dessa månader av kaos och tristess och tårar såg jag henne glittra och glimma bara sådär. Det var så länge sedan sist -- mer än tolv månader tror jag. Men, medan jag hörde mina klackar smattra mot asfalten blev ryggen plötsligt rakare och hakan höjdes med ens någon centimeter. Och jag förstod att jag inte behöver stå ut med någonting, att valet är mitt och alltid varit mitt. Jag kan gå vidare in i framtiden. Med högburet huvud och en blick som är stadigt riktad framåt. Jag har det valet. Jag har bara glömt det: tappat, förlorat. Mig. Någonstans på vägen. Jag tänker inte göra det igen. Aldrig igen.

Och ännu en gång: (det var så länge sedan sist) Joss Stone – Newborn

onsdag 9 januari 2013

Ever after

I don´t generally mind neuroses, but I do mind being bored to tears. I don´t generally mind sadness and pain and sorrow, but I do mind feeling like life passes me by and there is really nothing to it. I do mind simple. I do mind plain. I do mind when life is sucked out of me like the slow, lazy drizzle of a broken faucet. I prefer speed. I prefer movement. I prefer colour and light and brightness. I could never live a life in silence. I could never settle for calm. I do want leverage. I do want harmony. But my harmony does not come from silence. My harmony does not stem from balance. Instead, what I want is a life lived in full -- to the very core: Where curiosity is god and knowledge only serves the function of making me understand how little I really know. Where I dance, where I break, where I hurt, where I grow. Where I begin again and again and again.

And never stop.

Deer Tick – Twenty Miles

tisdag 8 januari 2013

In the corner

He would make my pain go away. I don´t know why, but when my head was on his chest there was no longer any room for it. And now, stuck with it -- forever it seems. Suck it up, get on with it -- always I think. Why do I do this? Why do I harm and hurt and perish? I would prefer a classic type of depression or paranoia. But then again, perhaps not. Perhaps I should be grateful for what I have and take it as a sign that it is time: to make those changes, that shift. I believe that I can now. I believe it to be possible. And it was´nt always so. So, I guess I´m getting on with it. Exactly as he would tell me to. And even though things are not well in my world. Even though I despair and question and ache -- I'm still moving forward --forever and always forward. It just wish I could feel it.

 Rodriguez – Cause


måndag 7 januari 2013

Air

I´m leaving again. To go to you. For the last time I think. It´s crunch time. I´ve got one single try in me -- no more, no less -- and I know you are in the same place as I. I love you. But can we move the mountain of us? I love you. But can we turn the tide and not forget to breathe. There is fire, there is understanding, there is a world within our grasp that´s different and true, but can we make it through all the debris? And as usual: I don´t know. Nothing is clear, nothing is obvious. I just know that we need to do this. We need to try this. Because we´re worth something more than the ordinary.

I love you.

This is beautiful, so very beautiful: Ulf Lundell – Eld i berget

lördag 5 januari 2013

Occasionally

Ibland är det bra med lite juice i en relation... (Fast, tröttsamt som fan kan det bli förstås.)

Tom Waits – Big In Japan