Behind

I´m deconstructing my life. Tiny little tidbits piled on tiny little tidbits until, in the end, all will have to fit into one single lime green suitcase. It´s a curious thing: seeing your life confined to little squares of commodity that can be packed away with ease or stored indefinitely somewhere where time and absence won’t harm it. Some things I have to close the book on. Some things won’t fit into squares and disagrees with being concealed in storage. All the while I feel nothing and I think even less. When I attempt to view the present tense from the outside I do sense I large sadness, but at the core, always, is he. And I know that I can make my home anywhere, as long as he is there with me, unpacking those boxes. 

Carly Comando – Everyday

Enough

The world is open, the world is wide -- yet I feel as if I´m walking on breaking glass, threading water endlessly, without getting anywhere but here. Where I don´t want to be. Minutes turn to hours, turn to days and weeks and months and what I do, is what I can -- I keep my head above water, I keep breathing -- in out, in out. I long for the days when there was life. When everything was colour and magic and enchantment and grandeur. When all sparkled and glittered and I was´nt sure where I was going, but I was moving so rapidly I passed you by as a blur, as an enigma, as a bolt of lightning or a shooting star. And now this: forever in limbo, forever standing still, forever needlessly trying, aiming, and forever not moving. I want it to stop now.

"Please stop now."

Martha Wainwright – Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole 

Breakable

Funny how things change. Funny this life. Funny that I´ve found my harbor, my rescue, my safety -- the man  who sees me, with all my cracks, and still chooses to love me. Funny that I love him so much and on so many different levels regardless of so many things. Funny that he is all I want and then some more. It´s a funny feeling when you know, deep inside, that you are in the presence of the man you´ll spend the rest of your life with. The one who can break you with one single glance, but who chooses not to, simply because it would break him too. Funny feeling when you walk down the street with your hand in his and you know, at the core, that you are walking next to the love of your life. Funny feeling, with lots of doors closing, lots of things being left in the past, but a new, bright and shiny one just about to open.

The one towards the rest of your life.

Alanis Morissette – In Praise Of The Vulnerable Man

Boxed in

S: You´re ticking all the boxes, Nina.
Jag: Really?
S: Yeah, even boxes I did´nt know I had.

Working man

As we drove under the Tuscan sun you began to fade. As we drove miles and miles across a dream I began to loose you. We said goodbye a long time ago, but you were still there, always there. And now, a fading image of a man who never stood down, whose future was bleak and who had my heart in another life. I wonder sometimes how you are. I wonder sometimes if you smile when you remember that summer. I wonder sometimes who I would have been if you had not come along. Because, the ones that affect your life in a profound way are few. The ones who inspire greatness in you are even fewer. The ones who change you, at the core, always come in single numbers. So, you're in here -- with your feisty fists, your intense gaze, your no bullshit mentality and your brooding manners. You're in here -- with your terrible dress sense, your magic feet and your fast mind. And, even though I don't think of you much these days. Even though I see no reason to dream of things that never came to be. Even though my life leaves me hopeful and giddy and happy, I'll still carry your words with me, always.

"Nina, let's endeavour to achieve the unachievable." 

And as I hear your voice in my head I smile, because I suddenly believe that I can. 

The Saw Doctors – Clare Island

Under the Tuscan sun

I would have liked to have a picture of every moment. A snapshot of every single second. Of you and me in the moonlight, swimming beneath the stars, in the Mediterranean. Of you and me, curled up in that small tent in Tuscany -- on a gypsy campsite, with the warm breeze blowing through our hair. Driving miles and miles across the beautiful, rugged Alps -- covering large distances, but feeling so close to it all, and so totally in sync. A five star hotel in Florence, with our very own terrace in the scorching, hot sun. Dinner on a rooftop overlooking the city: you, clean-shaven, boyish -- your eyes twinkling across the table. And that morning, in a lorry park on a freeway somewhere in Italy: chased by flies, ogled by lorry drivers, but laughing, always laughing at it all. Coffee in a little Italian village on a mountaintop: flowers spilling from every balcony as we touched ancient streets and bricks and stones and finally, one of the most beautiful little churches I have ever seen. You, there: petting a beautiful, moon-grey kitten -- even though it was 36 degrees in the sun and the air hurt to breathe. Your lanky frame, your black hair (that had started to turn golden in the sun), your skin, translucent and shimmering in the blistering light. And me: extatic, blissfull and giddy, but as always, with a core of darkness and doubt. Could this be? Can you really be? 

Him. 

Katy Perry – Wide Awake

History

It feels so long ago. When I listened to this song, wondering who you were, wondering what triggered your mind and your heart and you imagination. Finding you perfect on paper, thinking that it was in no way possible for you to measure up to my thoughts. And now. We´ll soon be driving really far, miles and miles, across county borders and through toll booths, towards the sun and the dream. Now, we´re booking accommodation with a roof terrace overlooking Florence and we´re giggling as we press the keys. And I feel comfortable when you say: "Nina, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." It does´nt scare me, instead it leaves me a little breathless and flabbergasted and happy. Suddenly I feel ok about all the hardships of life, as long as I know that you are there with me. And, I know now, for sure, that I was right all those months ago. To meet a stranger outside a hotel, to spend a weekend with a him, not really having a clue as to who he would be. I was right to take that leap, not knowing then, that it might be one of the most important things I´d ever do.

Gotye – Somebody That I Used To Know

Éire

The dream may yet be mine. The dream is still vivid, still bright. But, it has blue eyes instead of green, hands that are less broken and a mind not destroyed by circumstance. Dreams: of a rugged, emerald coast -- it still lingers. Of craggy bog lands -- they still draw me in. Majestic hills pull me northwest, always northwest -- towards the Atlantic ocean. Towards towns with twenty inhabitants and a pub. Towards winding roads across desolate moors. Towards singing syllables and intonations and voices. It´s still here. The dream. It´ll always be right here. And so will I.

The Saw Doctors – Green and Red of Mayo

Yes

I´m sorry for having been slightly erratic and moody in the past. You came too soon -- I was busy getting over someone. I´m sorry for not being able to give one hundred percent until now. He left me a little scared and breathless and broken. I´m sorry that it took me so long to let go. It´s just the kind of person I am I guess. And, I´m sorry for not being all there, all in, until now. There was no room for you -- I had to settle things in my head first, I had to know that this was the time for that leap, that you were worth the risk. Because in some ways we´re hard. So much harder than what he and I was -- simply because we are real, simply because we´re equal, because (unlike he and I) we have a future. It´s bright and sparkly. It´s exciting and colorful. It´s also filled with farewells and distance and longing. With tears and travels and homecomings. The world is smaller these days, but not small enough to not consider the circumstances and the facts. I´m here now. So, let´s drive your Jaguar really fast across France. Let´s drink Italian wine and wander the Coliseum. We´ll smoke our last cigarettes under the Tuscan sun and remember the moment forever. I´ll wear my purple dress and granny’s necklace. I´ll chase you with shrimp and tease you about the queen. You’ll give me a kiss on the Spanish steps in Rome and I´ll hold your hand through Venice. Then we´ll drive a million miles and end up having tea with milk on your patio in the heart of England. Let´s not worry about the future. Let´s assume it´s as bright and brilliant as we are. Let´s assume this is as real as it feels. Let´s take our fears and doubts and insecurities, let´s look at them, let’s smile at them, let´s toss them into the air...

and simply just let go.

 Urban Cone – We Should Go To France

Under ytan

I feel strangely listless. I feel sort of as if I am made of glas and I will break at any moment. But most of all I feel drained and tired, like my lustre has vanished -- like plain yoghurt or vanilla ice cream. No colour, no particular taste, just sort of existing without any purpose. All I want to do is lay in your arms. All I want to do is hear you tell me everything will be alright. I want to read books next to you, without having to say much. I want to cook something, anything, without to many words being used. I can´t handle words. Not right now -- they always come in plenty. Right now I feel detached from the world as I know it, and from this moment on things may be forever different, forever changed. What will come, will come.

I don´t know if I´ll ever be ready.