Just down the road

Some days, some hours, minutes and seconds away I know another reality is hiding. The pathway is only visible at twilight; exploding and imploding in silver light pouring out of the sky. The harsh lines of the cubicles surrounding me are blurring - the shadows are getting longer and longer until they seem to reach the sky, all the while the silver of the dusk overpowers London, leaving me spellbound, enclosed by the delicate beauty of life.

Walking the Walk

Alleys of grey slab and concrete surround our street just like they do all other pathways in this merciless and majestic city. The difference is that their curves remain soft and tranquil as they seem to caress the bend ahead. I will take our street with me, but the rest I give away to the lowest bidder. The hard-lined skyscrapers and cubes you call houses, the busy road where cars pass endlessly towards somewhere, anywhere but here. Empty eyes and hungry bellies in lonely alleyways, hollow faces in doorways staring back at me as I walk on towards something luckier. It is an evening that manages to be deadly silent, but still so loud I can hardly breathe – the knot in my chest increasing with every sound until it consumes me. I gasp in the cold winter air of a new year, the blood pumping, my heart beating hard against my ribcage. The door to the world just closed and I can feel it in every cell, in every strand of strawberry blonde hair – the knowledge of something lost radiates through the very core of who I am. 

Change is approaching fast now, and it is welcomed. I know it will have a salty twang, but life is never one dimensional so a bit of sweet and sour will be thrown in as well. Regardless, I will remain upright. I am ready. You are not here, but still guiding my path towards where I should have been (stayed?) all along. This road, these cubes, this city of concrete and steel will be what my nightmares are made of for a while but that’s OK, I don’t sleep much these days.

I’ll take our street with me into a different future though. See you down there in my dreams if nowhere else.

I am ready.

Heart in Hand

There is a hole in my chest were my heart used to be. You took it with you when you left and I was never brave enough to ask for it back. Things are different now - roles reversed as the cold wind blows us towards something new and improved. Strangely enough you are wearing a hat. It is pulled down firmly which means I can't see your eyes. It doesn't really matter though; I know them by heart just as I do every delicate detail of you. As usual I feel like I am cheating death when you reach for my hand across the table. As usual I feel like there is nowhere to be but here when you lift your tired gaze and meet my eyes for the first time tonight. Your face is pale and hollow and there is a silent desperation in every breath.

Then you smile your childlike smile and I decide in an instant that I want you to hold on to my heart for just a little while longer.  

While I was dreaming

Off the Map

The streets are sleek with rain; the grey surface reflecting the streetlights as I drive on endlessly over viaducts and through tunnels – towards where my heart has been kept for a very long time, via the arteries and veins of my expansive city. The contradictory nature of this place – so incredibly heartless but also loving, so callous and cruel, yet still warm and embracing.

I am wide awake as I move into the right lane. My turn is coming up now. I have always wondered if will look back once my decision has been made and I guess I will know soon enough. It is for certain that my world is less empty since you came along and I am petrified to go back to how it was before there was you. I no longer do black or white, only shades - yours is darker than mine but with more sparkle. If we merge will the shade mirror the rain-drenched streets I am driving on?

As I take my turn (without looking back) I can feel myself start to smile.

Ironic, iconic

In between days I step away from you; finding my escape in chords, in the notes flowing endlessly from my speaker. Change is sure to follow and I am calmer these days, but if this is maturity I ask it to kindly fuck off!

A new chapter, but bringing me right back to where I started. I am not the same, not anymore; I have been reshaped and remoulded riding uncontrollable waves, always chasing new and illusive moments - I am not sure you will like me now and I do care, but very little. I close my eyes, but I still feel wide awake, like my nerves are too close to the surface. There is not a single day when I don’t think about our drive through the city - you always did hit me straight between the eyes, like a ton of bricks. Who needs new love when your heart is perpetually closed?

I am here whenever you want to ride the waves with me…

To let go

There is a new kid in town and he has golden spurs attached to pointy cowboy boots. He is larger than life in the night-time, but in the harsh daylight he thankfully gets smaller and more manageable. Most cities are too big for him, he needs the wide, vast wilderness in order to feel life properly underneath his feet; the air whipping his lungs, every breath a frenzy sucked from his body almost violently. His happiness is tied to that wind, to change and to the costal waves crashing in from the sea. He opens his hands and gives you the rainbow and he feeds you sunshine (even though he has none himself). Suddenly you feel less alone and suddenly you want your own set of spurs even though you’ve spent a lifetime making fun of them with your friends. In this moment gold is the only way to be as he softly takes your hand and asks you to just surrender.

When an outfit does not measure up

You tell me the pale lilac shirt I gave you such a long time ago is still with you, even though you are a travelling salesman who never stays long enough in one place to feel anything at all. You tell me life was richer then; months and years passing underneath our feet while we were busy hiding in the shadows in order to not get hurt. It’s a nice little alcove you have pencilled out for yourself – free of accountability so that you can stay in your play-pin a bit longer, avoiding boredom, avoiding trying to catch anything at all. How does it feel to move at speed but not at all? I would give you sterling silver/dollars/euros in order to find out and I suspect I might regret it. Your extravagant heart, your extravagant hands – I used to love them beyond words as I did you, but we are both covered in ash now.

I am afraid one lilac shirt will change nothing.

The Prince

I look at you and I see a future. It is made of adventure and skydiving and motorcycles and mountains to conquer. I look at you and I see a man. He doesn't like to fight, but he knows that walking away is not always and option. I see frailty and scars, but determination and bravery supersedes the fear. I see an open mind and self-respect and a sturdy frame that remains balanced. I look at you as you pull on my heart strings with your words; your broad, handsome face, your hands waving about as you explain scientific theories to me.

And I turn into gold.

Elin Ruth Sigvardsson – When I Leave

New Year

From across the bar - I watch him. He carries our drinks and twinkles at me. 

"Here you go, darling." 

And with those words he fades away. I still see him, but I am no longer there. I look into his eyes, but they are slanting and green now and his eyebrows are darker, thicker, fuller. He reaches for me - broken knuckles touches porcelain as I feel you through him. I move swiftly through the thick film of memories from another time - disconnected, lost to him (because I want to be) and I know you are here because he is wrong. My gaze takes in the faces around me - working men from another time, another space, the band playing the banjo on stage. 

"You like the banjo, don't you?" you say as you lean back with a wolfish smile (typical, so typical). And we are in Westport, very far away from London. And it's another year, another month and I can't breathe because I feel so much and I fear if I blink you will disappear. You taught me to chase rainbows. You taught me to endeavour to achieve the unachievable and this bar in London is not it, this man by my side is not it. 

As I step out into the night - your steps echo next to mine on the way to the metro.

The Naked And Famous – I Kill Giants