Words in September

You leave me without any skin. You leave me broken and cracked and shivering. On a floor somewhere in the west, with a breaking heart and thoughts that threaten to choke me. Because you don't love me, you never did, always wanted to, but never could. And right here, is where I stop trying to understand. Right here, is where I realize that it is time to get on with things. And so I keep breathing. And so I keep existing. And so I keep feeling. So I embrace the emptiness you left behind. Through all the millions of little cracks where you used to be.

I will live sweetie-pants. Still.

Ane Brun – Halo

Then

When all else fades and what is left is simply you and him. Those few trembling seconds when you turn around and find that he is talking to you and everything in you becomes very, very still. It suddenly doesn't matter that you have a long workday ahead of you. It suddenly is irrelevant that clients will scream at you and colleagues will demand the impossible. It makes no difference that he grew up in Melbourne and you in the smallest town in southern Sweden. Because all of a sudden you are back in tenth grade, and his eyes are blue just like back then -- but his hair is much darker. And just like then you've watched his smile with wonder for a while. Suddenly, you are just a girl and he is just a boy, and you both say all the wrong things and it just doesn't matter that you both stutter and blush and fumble for words that slip away too fast. You don't know what will happen next. You have no idea what to do with what you are feeling because it is always new, every time. All that matters is that at this moment...

you watch it begin again.

Voice

It was just a glimpse of pain. It was just one shot, one bolt through me. As I walked through Sainsbury's for my carrots and tomatoes, my humus and my eggs. The notes hit me, like a whip on naked skin and I felt something instantly snap in my chest. For a second, my heart was broken again. I remembered us dancing down the street as the pale morning light spread silently over the rooftops of my town. I remember jumping a fence, being caught by you on the other side -- the feeling of being at home, completely at home and the best me I could ever be. I remember waking up early, too early, not knowing where my dreams ended and reality began. I missed you then, for just that one intense second. The hurt was completely unbearable, for that one moment. And suddenly I saw nothing but starry nights and fairy dust and the mist seething over an emerald green isle, on a coast facing the Atlantic ocean.

Those notes, those fucking notes...

Breabach – Baby Broon's

Indian Summer

Where are you now? The one I loved so many miles ago. What are you thinking this second? The one that held my hand and my heart so tenderly between the palms of your hands. And when you think of me and that Indian summer -- do you smile? Because I always met you when the wind was warm and the rain showed care not to chill my bones. I always met you when all was starting fresh and brand new and bright. You had dark brown hair and brown eyes, you had blonde hair and blue eyes, you had black hair and green eyes, and you were always a new chapter, a book of your own. You were quick, you were instant, you were intense, just like me. I still smile when I think about you. Sometimes the smile is a little crooked, but it always reaches my eyes. I am thinking about you this morning. I am wondering how you are this morning. I had to reach out and write these words to you this morning. Because I am in a new chapter now. And it is mine and only mine. But, I still wish to meet you again one of these days. We'll stand on that railing. I will hold your hand and smile at you.

And then I'll take that leap once again.

Kasey Chambers – Someone Like Me

Maybe's

I'm sorry. So very sorry, top-cat. I did love you. I love you still. I just didn't know -- someone else was in the way. Please don't feel foolish when you cry. Please don't tear that golden thread from your heart. Please don't stop missing me. And even if you'll never understand why I did the things I did. Please, please forgive me.

Please find a way.

Passenger – Golden Thread (feat. Matt Corby)

This night

Everything came together and the universe was mine for just a few sparkling hours. And, when I opened my phone you were there. Saying all the brave things, just as always. I remembered why I loved you. I remembered why I want you in my life. And why I can't be with you. So, I'm still here. But on a very different path. I won't stray again.

Joss Stone – Newborn

Strawberry

I don't know who to think about when I listen to all those heartsick songs. And it's a bit empty. To not be told: "I am the best man I can be when I'm with you". To not be told: "You make me happy in a way I didn't  think possible. To not be told: "I have a birthday Nina, and I need you here with me. I don't care if I have to get on a plane to get to you, I don't care if I have to pay one thousand Euros or spend the weekend in a flea motel." But then again notes don't make a life and neither does words. Because in the end make believe doesn't cut it and reality always finds a way to slip through the cracks.

Baby, I will be somebody's strawberry one day.

Chris Young – Who I Am With You

Stabilt läge

Det rör sig mellan öronen nu. Tankarna är friare nu. Jag öppnar ögonen nu. Horizonten är blodröd och bara min. Och jag lyssnar om och om igen...

The Peach Kings – Like a Stone

This year

I had two men in my phone, in my head, in my hands. But (always) only one Irish lad in my heart. He crashed violently to the earth, he fell (finally) to where he belongs. And he became that broken dream, all those wishful thinkings of days and nights in passing. He became a man of the past, without the golden shimmer, that blaze that kept him alive all those minutes and seconds and hours that turned into seasons.

I was wrong, you were right. It's time to let go.

The Civil Wars – Poison & Wine

Så

Så är vi igen. I samma land, i samma stad, precis som förr, men ändå inte. För jag har sett ditt land. Jag har sett smaragdgrönt och vilda hedar och berg i distansen. Jag har mött din familj och dina vänner och jag har druckit Corona i baren din familj frekventerat i sextio år. Jag har stirrat mig blind in i dimman över uråldrig jord och frågat tusen frågor om ebb och flod och Atlantens dramatiska kustlinje. Du har kört mig mil efter mil genom spökbyar och liv som inte längre finns och hela tiden kändes allt så bräckligt och skört och nytt. För, det är en annan tid. Du är inte samma man som när vi ramlade omkring som två lite vingabrutna barn i ett gyllene, magiskt Malmö. Du är inte samma man som höll min hand och mitt hjärta så hårt att det kändes som om jag skulle gå sönder om du någonsin släppte taget. Vi är inte lika stora som vi var, inte lika sköra, inte lika givna. Så, adjö min älskling. Denna gången får du stå själv och blicka ut över ett disigt Öresund. Denna gången står du ensam. Precis som jag.

Emil Jensen – Jag är van

Just so

Jose Vanders – The Magician

Ever After

Jag älskar dig.

Joe Purdy – Isn't Love

It's time

To come back down now. Even though it's a little bleak and empty and lost and confusing and devoid of stardust. It's here: the moment when I search for my very own rainbow, (and really, I don't need you for that honey). I will be patient enough, I will allow myself to learn how to exchange that tyre and I will be all of my colours, but blame no one for the strands of darkness within the light. I will be well, I will do well, I will be stardust and rainbows and sunshine and golden sparks. I will be all I can be, (even though I am scared) and I will hum as I finally, finally turn my back on all we could have been.

Joe Purdy – Come Back Down

Dasvidanja

Greg Laswell – Goodbye, sweet prince.

I'm sorry.

Sha

"I love you", she said. And then she walked away. That's just the way she is. Equally strong, equally week, forever a riddle, always new. Vanished in between doors that have seen too many goodbyes. Too many tears.

And as always, my hand didn't reach quite far enough to catch her.

Sleeping At Last – Tethered

Jack of Hearts

 How can someone so vivid have to count his minutes? How can so much color be in danger of vanishing, just like so? Why do you, so alive at the core, have to pace the streets at night just because your thoughts are so dark they threaten to choke you? Why do you have to fear death? Why do you have to view your own body as a lethal enemy that will put you in a coffin if left unchecked. I love you. I have always loved you: that mind of yours, those hands, and those eyes, that gaze and all the memories and what ifs. But my love can't save you. Not now. Not from this. And as I think: I wish I could hold you for an eternity and beyond, my heart breaks with that thought. Please don't let go. Please don't give up. Please fight, just a while. I can't bear the thought of my world without you in it.

Please try.

Phosphorescent – Song For Zula

Reflections

You fill me to the brim. You take over until there is nothing left and I let you. You are my home. You are my harbor. You are all my thoughts summed up into another consciousness. You are everywhere, but I still never felt bigger. And as I breathe you in I know, what I've always known -- you have me, you will always have me. I knew I would find you. I just didn't know what color your eyes would be.

Justin Timberlake – Mirrors

Fly

Sometimes the path is not a straight one. Sometimes you are fumbling and stepping sideways and tripping over your own two feet. And sometimes it is hard. So much harder than you thought it would be. To stand up tall, to keep the pace, to move forward. Sometimes it would be easier to just sit back, relax and stay in your corner of the couch indefinitely. To choose the straight and narrow, to avoid the blinding lights up ahead in favor of what is known and safe and pacifying. Sometimes life takes you where you didn't think you would ever go. You make mistakes, you try to remedy those mistakes, only to make new ones. It's all part of the travels, all part of the road and the colors you choose to paint your life with. And in the end. All that is left.

Is to follow your heart.

Leddra Chapman – Picking Oranges

At the core

So, you are changing the outline of my life again. So, you are affecting the paths I choose again. So, you are complicating things again. (It's just what you do, always.) Not many have tried. Most have failed. You never tried I think, it just happened like a light switch being flicked, or a brand new door opening into a very different room. I try to imagine sometimes, what it would be like, had you not taken hold of me that warm Midsummer's eve. I try to go back sometimes, but I always fail. I can't imagine not ever having met you. I can't imagine the person I would be had you not come along. I can't imagine being back there, where everything was bleak and quiet and orderly. Where I had everything at my fingertips and still felt as if I had dropped my life in a trash can with little hope of ever finding it again. So that's why I don't make that cut. That's is why I won't make it, unless I absolutely have to. Time will tell if you'll make me...

Laakso – Norrköping

Get on with it!

You drive me crazy. You always did. You still do. Do you know it? No, I think not. That's part of the thrill I guess. Do you still wear cowboy boots, I wonder. Do you still not know, just where you are going? (No, wherever it is I am NOT coming with you.) When I think of you I can't help smiling. When I think of you I can't help hoping. That you'll sort it all out in the end. That you'll find your way. That you'll find out who you are. I knew a boy once. He was all sparkles and fire and sorrow and he laughed just like a child. I knew a boy once. Who wanted nothing more than to be a man, to grow up, but who kept tripping over the ghosts that had become his life. I hope I pick up my phone one day and find a man on the other side. "Top of the morning to ya me darlin', life is bleedin' grand isn't it?, he will shout across a static phone line. And I will lose my breath for just a second (as always) and then I'll have to smile through all the miles that separate us. Because, finally, finally, that boy I used to know has become a man.

Flogging Molly – If I Ever Leave This World Alive

Hjärter knekt

Jag: How is she?
M: Ah, she'll be alright. She's a tough cookie -- just like you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me. I forgot again...

Fan!

Det är inte svårt. Det är inte omöjligt. Jag har släppt taget nu och jag vänder mig inte om. Det är som det ska nu. Det är exakt. Det är precis nu. Allt det vi inte var. Jag går vidare framåt: lätt, fri, och jag ler medan jag rör mig. Varför trodde jag det skulle vara så svårt? Varför kändes det så omöjligt? När det var så oändligt lätt. Men så, (helt plötsligt) känner jag din närvaro. Lika stark som alltid. Den golvar mig. Precis som alltid. Dina tankar söker mig genom mil och åter mil av okända gator. Dina ögon hittar mina från en bardisk långt där borta och ditt medvetande borrar sig in, ännu lite längre in. Det blir så där jävlarnas svårt att andas igen. Och jag förstår, långt där inne på botten, att ingenting är över, ingenting är slut -- att vi bara väntar.

Jag hoppas så innerligt att jag har så jävla in i helvetes fel...

Lord Huron – Setting Sun - (Bonus Track)

Achill

You want to walk along the shoreline with me -- where the waves never stop crashing against the rugged, black rocks and there is a little white house, with a white fence, in the middle of nowhere. You want to place me there, in front of the roaring hearth, with a mug of proper Irish tea between my hands, and then you want to show me your shed, (the one you used when things got too close and hard and fierce) and the pub where all your friends that stayed behind still drink their pints. You want to take me home, to give me the heartland, to give me emerald green and cragged black and a grey, vivid Atlantic ocean. But most of all: you want to give me you. With every fiber and core, with every thought and emotion and image, with every complexity and fearlessness and lack of armor. But, you're too late my darlin'.

We were always a little too late.

The Saw Doctors – Clare Island

Away

I feel like I'm locked up in a cage. I feel like my wings are broken. I feel like everything is upside down and there isn't anything I can do about it. So I sit here, trapped within my own mind, by my own thoughts, and all the while I keep wondering: where is this going to end? Because I sure as hell don't like where it seems to be going...

Mumford & Sons – I Will Wait

Pilot boy

White sheets of paper are spread out before me. I'm choosing ink and spacing and lining and as I do I wonder (as always) where am I going? I put my pen to the paper, I start scribbling and the text seems to flow from my pen like water. It switches shades and colors, it fades in between words and sentences and New Roman and Calibri. And as the notes pound in my head, as the thoughts pass through me, I reach further, onward, beyond all the fear and hardships and anguish and all I find is you, always you.

Lord Huron – Time To Run

Ta

I sent you a letter -- and now I can breathe again. I went ahead and pressed those digits -- and now I'm light and airy and hopeful again. I put down the words, I gave them to you, and the rope that held us together was suddenly cut, suddenly and unexpectedly I was free. You laughed that special laugh, the one that stems from deep within your core. And I couldn't help but be so very grateful that you are -- with every cherry on top and every handful that comes with it. So, thank you (hand on my heart) for being all that you are. And for deciding to actually stay this time.

Lord Huron – The Stranger

A not

As I am writing this I wonder who you are today. As I am writing this I wonder what you are thinking this afternoon. As I am writing this I wonder why we seem attached even though we don't really want to be. There is really no use for my pondering, it just sort of shook me to the core when I picked up the phone and your were on the other side. I have never heard you stutter so violently before. I have never heard you utter those words before. And I imagined your hands -- holding your phone, as you told me I was the one who had your heart. I imagined you face and your eyes, as you told me I was the only one who had ever understood you. I imagined your smile when I brought some of the old ghosts back to life, just like that, with a snap of my fingers. I've kept them close you know. Despite not wanting to. Despite fighting not to. You've stayed with me. Despite all that we were...

Kleerup – With Every Heartbeat - Feat. Robyn

Circle closing (honey)

This could be my song. If you knew how to express what you feel through words. But you don´t, you never did and that´s why I am still the one you love. Because I know of another way to be. I represent a different life and above all -- I'm a way out because I'm like her. But, I can't rub off on you honey -- you are too set in stone for that -- too hard on several levels. You've walked down too many roads: alone, head held high and hands in tight fists.You've seen too many fights, drunk too many pints and broken too many hearts. I can't save you, you can't save me and two broken clocks doesn't mean you can tell the time.

Josh T. Pearson – Sorry With a Song - Single Version

On screen (again)

Still like a movie. This life, with you in it. Still on screen next to you -- instant speed, instant charisma, instant shine. Still a book of your own. You just don´t know it yet. Still a page turner. And, you know (always) exactly what I want to hear. Grand illusions and even grander phrases. Magnificent plans and another voice saying exactly what I am thinking. Please, stay in my life this time. Please be there every now and again. I have to say no, you know that. But please, don´t go away again. You are someone I will always, always miss. One of a kind, translucent and magnificent. A piece of me, but in darker shades. Similar, so similar we could be siblings. So, stay with me through the distance. Hold my hand, but in a platonic way. That´s what I offer. That´s all I can offer.

Just stay.

Kvävd

I en kall vinter för länge sedan, (efter att jag hittat en skrynklig, genomdränkt lapp utanför en portuppgång) -- berättade en man att du och jag var bundna till varandra på fler sätt än ett. Han sa till mig att jag måste stänga om mig, men jag förstod inte hur det skulle gå till -- du var ju överallt. Vet du att det fanns nätter när jag vaknade kallsvettig och ropade ditt namn i min tomma lägenhet? Vet du att jag såg ditt ansikte reflekterat tillbaka till mig varenda gång jag gick utanför dörren och att mitt hjärta alltid slog ett extra slag -- även om jag någonstans visste att det inte kunde vara du. Vet du att du vandrat bredvid mig i så många månader efter den där kalla, ensamma hemresan på ett X2000-tåg genom Sverige? Vet du att jag kände dig genom alla minuter och sekunder som passerat och att just nu, i detta ögonblick -- är det värre än någonsin. En man sa en gång att dagen skulle komma när jag behövde göra ett val.

Vet du att jag redan bestämt mig?

Ane Brun – Balloon Ranger

Irish balls

How dare you call me? How dare you say that I have your heart? How dare you claim that you want everything with me and only me? One year later. You fucking broke me. My heart in the gravel and uncertain feet that frantically tried to shuffle forward without you. Through snow and debris, through our streets and all those dreams and memories that you left behind. How dare you say: "You belong in Ireland with me, Nina". After tossing me around like a single, ragged glove without a match. After weeks and months of silence in a desolate void. My dear: I am not your darling. My dear: I am not your woman. And, you are not my fairytale. You are not my dream. Not anymore. That train left the station a long time ago and no honey, it´s not coming back.

 Martha Wainwright – Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole

Little devil

You will always be some notes, some chords, a certain sound. You will always be fast paced energy, speedy, drunken stupor and excitement between pints. You will always be a certain time, a particular space and specific streets. I wonder sometimes: how you are, what happened next, who she is (you are giving her one hell of a ride, that I am sure of). But mostly: have you lost any of your demons yet? Have you found some peace? Have you fallen upon that harbor you were looking for? So, occasionally I touch that dial, I go for those keys, I linger over a face placed next to Mike Tyson -- but then I think the better of it and smile to myself. Because, some things are better when left in the past. Some things that are buried should stay that way. Sometimes memories are shinier and more beautiful when left be. So, I leave you there. In between days and chords and adventures. And what I wish for, what I hope, is that you are still brave, still shiny, still translucent, still speeding, but towards where you want to be rather than where you were going.

John Williams – The Race to the House

Brilliance

When I look back in time all I see is colour. When I look back in time I see clearly defined lines leading up to a little girl, raised on a hill, in a blue house. She, who is a product of these lines and colours, these minds and hearts. Most of them are not here anymore. Most of them I never knew. But some are present, sharing their wisdom and greatness and need for the extraordinary. Allowing me to understand why I became what I became and perhaps also why I am going where I am going. It´s a delicate pattern of little lives that in their simplicity are filled with grandios thoughts and acts and choices. I stem from the history of these choices. I stem from the brilliance of dreams and wishes of those who came before me.

It´s a peaceful thought.

Concerto in D Minor for Oboe and Strings, Op 1:II. Adagio

Stålgrå

Du har nya vänner nu. Jag vet inte längre vilka de är och det finns en sorg i den tanken. Vi var aldrig riktigt meningen och jag tror du visste det också. Jag hoppas du förlåter mig en dag. Och att du förstår att när jag ser tillbaka så känner jag din hand i min. Vi leker tafatt mellan gångarna på ICA och du tycker nog att jag är lite galen när jag gömmer mig bland sylten. Sedan går vi hem och jag gör mig upptagen med surdegsbröd och lakritsglass för att glömma att jag är helt, helt tom. Vi vandrar gatorna upp och ner till havet, med vind i håret, och du är en sommarpojke med gyllene hud och de vackraste fötter jag någonsin sett. Och jag tänker inte: så här vill jag det ska vara i hundra år. Och jag tänker inte: jag är så lycklig. Men sedan, på sjukhusbädden där jag ska spendera natten efter att doktorn skurit sitt. Du lägger dig tätt intill på den smala, smala sängen och vi är där, mitt i allt det vita, precis som två barn som bara har varandra i hela världen. Och jag tänker: jag älskade dig verkligen. Men ibland är kärleken inte tillräcklig.

The tallest man on earth --Troubles will be gone

Nothing else

It´s when I´m with other people that I miss you the most. It´s when I´m with others that your shine the brightest. Because, what we share, the way we talk, the way you make me feel -- is relentless in its fury. The way you look at me, how you relate to me -- is beyond space and time and what is now. How you see me, that you see me -- is the one truth I know.

Boris Valdes Villarroel – Love Trouba

Sunbeams

I never thought this song would be anyone´s but his. I thought it belonged to him and only him. To that beach, where the white sand seemed to swallow us whole. Where he took his shirt off, just like that, and kept on threading further into my heart -- still wearing his cowboy boots. Where he made me laugh until I cried and never let go of my hand. And I was reborn again, in that moment -- alive at the core, after years of stagnant, putrid air had been all I knew. I remember wanting time to stand still forever. I remember thinking: "In this moment, everything and nothing blurs together and becomes a whole, an essence of what life is." I thought these notes would be forever linked to a certain time and a certain pair of slanting, green, Irish eyes.

I was wrong. And I´ve never been more happy to be wrong.

 Addie Brownlee – Put Your Hands On Me

The Swan

You glide: All grace and beauty against the calm waters. Your sparkling eyes watch the sandy banks, the flowers and the buzzing life around you. You appear tranquil, you appear at ease and all seems well with your world. But, underneath the glittering surface, underneath all that beauty, your feet are peddling frantically to reach the shoreline, to find a way out, to find a solution. Beneath the water you are violently crashing about to find your footing, a footing that was lost many years ago when he was taken from you and you were abandoned by the one that was supposed to be your strength. You were left, alone, always alone, at the mercy of those who did not wish you well. And today, you are still that boy. A boy who sat at the breakfast table only to be ignored. A boy who was doomed to silence, simply because he was a pawn in someone else´s dirty game. A boy who had no one and still no choice but to go on existing. A boy who was never seen.

I see you. And I want nothing more than to be your solution. I want nothing more than to help you heal. Do you have the strength to let me?

Pink Floyd For Piano – Wish You Were Here (Piano Version)

Återvändsgränd

You sold me a dream. And I bought it without any questions. You sold me an image. And I believed you without any doubts. You were too fearful to be honest, too afraid to not be enough and in this moment, I´m the one being punished for it. I´m not without blame though. I chose you as a way out, as a path away from the pain, as a way to deal with the hole he left behind. There is love still, there always was. But I learned the hard way a long time ago, that love is not enough. So, I have one foot out the door. My gaze is directed away from you and my body is moving above and beyond the man you are. It´s a conscious choice, a must -- I don´t want the kind of life you´re offering. I don´t want quiet, I don´t want quaint, I don´t want passive and I happily disregard the kind of calm you desire. So go ahead honey, I´ve made my move:

Now it´s your turn.

Rage Against The Machine – Bullet In The Head

Clean sheets

You´re like a clean, white sheet of paper. Easily forgotten, easily crumpled up and thrown out with the garbage.You´re like plain yoghurt and vanilla ice cream. Easy on the tongue, but without a sting that leaves a remembrance. You´re perfect on paper. But already worn out and utterly spent -- with a core that is so filled with hiding places I get lost. I spin, I twist and turn, but all I see is nothingness and a bleak and grey ever after. There is no life -- only a perfect surface that barely covers up your emptiness. You´re cracking now. I´m forcing you to break now. When you look at me with those child´s eyes, begging me for mercy. And I´m so sorry, but I can´t stop. Not now. In all this wreckage. In all this life not lived. Amongst all these stats and lack of words and protective shells we hide behind:

Can you blame me for missing him?

Alanis Morissette – Limbo No More

Combat

Today, as we cleaned your house I thought of what I used to feel for an Irish lad with no future. Today, as we skirted around each other with mops and broomsticks and hovers I thought about how he shook my foundations with just one penetrating gaze: how he left me obsessed, crazy and in the end -- broken. Today, I felt far from it all, yet very close to what was then. I almost wished you would do something, anything that deflated me. I almost wished you were wrong and not so concerned about it. I wished for flaws and cracks and complexities that you don´t have. Because those are the men I seem to love the most. And, perhaps that is a flaw in me. Perhaps I need not look any further than myself for an answer as to what must lay ahead. Perhaps I don´t need what I want: one flute, one violin. In combat, always in combat.

Breabach – Baby Broon's

Aldrig

I dag hittade jag henne plötsligt igen. Efter alla dessa månader av kaos och tristess och tårar såg jag henne glittra och glimma bara sådär. Det var så länge sedan sist -- mer än tolv månader tror jag. Men, medan jag hörde mina klackar smattra mot asfalten blev ryggen plötsligt rakare och hakan höjdes med ens någon centimeter. Och jag förstod att jag inte behöver stå ut med någonting, att valet är mitt och alltid varit mitt. Jag kan gå vidare in i framtiden. Med högburet huvud och en blick som är stadigt riktad framåt. Jag har det valet. Jag har bara glömt det: tappat, förlorat. Mig. Någonstans på vägen. Jag tänker inte göra det igen. Aldrig igen.

Och ännu en gång: (det var så länge sedan sist) Joss Stone – Newborn

Ever after

I don´t generally mind neuroses, but I do mind being bored to tears. I don´t generally mind sadness and pain and sorrow, but I do mind feeling like life passes me by and there is really nothing to it. I do mind simple. I do mind plain. I do mind when life is sucked out of me like the slow, lazy drizzle of a broken faucet. I prefer speed. I prefer movement. I prefer colour and light and brightness. I could never live a life in silence. I could never settle for calm. I do want leverage. I do want harmony. But my harmony does not come from silence. My harmony does not stem from balance. Instead, what I want is a life lived in full -- to the very core: Where curiosity is god and knowledge only serves the function of making me understand how little I really know. Where I dance, where I break, where I hurt, where I grow. Where I begin again and again and again.

And never stop.

Deer Tick – Twenty Miles

In the corner

He would make my pain go away. I don´t know why, but when my head was on his chest there was no longer any room for it. And now, stuck with it -- forever it seems. Suck it up, get on with it -- always I think. Why do I do this? Why do I harm and hurt and perish? I would prefer a classic type of depression or paranoia. But then again, perhaps not. Perhaps I should be grateful for what I have and take it as a sign that it is time: to make those changes, that shift. I believe that I can now. I believe it to be possible. And it was´nt always so. So, I guess I´m getting on with it. Exactly as he would tell me to. And even though things are not well in my world. Even though I despair and question and ache -- I'm still moving forward --forever and always forward. It just wish I could feel it.

 Rodriguez – Cause

Air

I´m leaving again. To go to you. For the last time I think. It´s crunch time. I´ve got one single try in me -- no more, no less -- and I know you are in the same place as I. I love you. But can we move the mountain of us? I love you. But can we turn the tide and not forget to breathe. There is fire, there is understanding, there is a world within our grasp that´s different and true, but can we make it through all the debris? And as usual: I don´t know. Nothing is clear, nothing is obvious. I just know that we need to do this. We need to try this. Because we´re worth something more than the ordinary.

I love you.

This is beautiful, so very beautiful: Ulf Lundell – Eld i berget

Occasionally

Ibland är det bra med lite juice i en relation... (Fast, tröttsamt som fan kan det bli förstås.)

Tom Waits – Big In Japan